Monday, April 18, 2011

Bark Once if You Like These Recipes

On April 22, 2011, one of my daughters presented me with the birthday gift of a Google blog she’d customized and set up for me in my name. Until that event, I’d been emailing my recipes to friends who sought them. This post originally appeared as the email I sent my friends after accidentally stumbling on my own blog, which my daughter had intended as a surprise - NP

It appears I now have a recipe blog. It seems to have started itself. I have 11 followers. One of them is a dog. Would I lie to you? A dog. When I was single, I dated plenty of dogs. I knew they were dogs because they bayed at the moon and lifted their leg at every hydrant. I don’t recognize this particular dog, but if he knows his way around a kitchen, he’s found a new leash on life. Most of my 11 followers aren’t you. Trust me ... I’d recognize your names. 
The way I learned I had a blog, was that I actually tried to start one four hours ago. I wrote a nifty introduction, a “Welcome” message, and shot the damned thing into cyberspace, where it naturally vanished. I called it Nicole Parton: The Happy Cooker but perhaps Google googled and censored it, confusing my name with the late, chesty, Anna Nicole Smith, the Happy ... ’Nuff said. 
I knew Anna Nicole sizzled, but I didn’t think she cooked. Anna Nicole inherited something like $80 million after marrying an oil mogul 62 years her senior, who died with a smile on his face. I’m a few dollars short of Anna Nicole, but I have a large chest, too. Mine is a chest of drawers, but hey! Close enough. 

In searching for my lost Nicole Parton: The Happy Cooker blog, I found another: “Nicole Parton’s Favorite Recipes.” I naturally thought: “Someone has stolen my recipes!” but apparently, it was me. I feel like the guy who stole his own woodpile. I take it the dog is a major fan. Who knows? I may even work my way up to five or six dogs.
As you know, I send recipes out on a whimsical basis, when the mood and time intersect. I understand that - through the magic of email - my modest little recipes have whizzed around the world (I’m sending this e-mail to a few Australian friends who by now are scratching their heads. To this moment, they weren’t aware I’ve been doing this. I’m embarrassed to say I haven’t run a Vegemite recipe yet). 
To a big shot like me with 11 followers - 10 of them actually human - I can sense the commercial potential of having my very own blog! Henceforth, my recipes will say: “Use only Kraft cheese for this dish!” or “Chill in Whirlpool fridge (Now on sale at Sears!).” Maybe I’ll be sought out for Infomercials (mailing and handling charges not included), Celebrity Endorsements (“I used to use ordinary egg slicers, but now, with the Egg-O-Matic, I can peel, slice, and dice in one easy step! Thank you, Egg-O-Matic!”), Simulcasts (“And now, live from her Blog …”), and SPAM, beautiful SPAM! Perhaps I’ll meet the Nigerian Royal Family. I understand they have ways of spreading the word to make money! Perhaps I (with my big chest of drawers) will also make a fortune of $80 million. 
So, Dollinks, I’ll email you no more recipes! You’ll now find my recipes when you Google “Nicole Parton’s Favorite Recipes.” I don’t know my URL from a hole in the ground, but perhaps you’ll be able to find it. There’s some sort of “Google Alert” thing you can toggle each time I blog a recipe, but damned if I know how to use it. There’s also some sort of “Follow” button that I suppose shows you are “Following.” I hope more than 10 humans and one dog will eventually “Follow.”
But wait! (As you can see from that phrase, I’m already practicing for my first Infomercial) If you sign onto my recipe blog right now (this is a Limited Time Offer) you’ll find an exciting recipe I’ll post later this week straight from Queen Elizabeth’s larder to the Royal Wedding! 
The Queen’s version of my Queen’s Chocolate Biscuit Cake serves 800. My version serves eight - or it will, once Ron and I manage to cut down the proportions. It’s been a bit of a struggle, but we’ll get there! Until then, imagine how beautiful any food will look on William and Cate’s Royal china, their entwined initials reading “WC.”
Ron is calling me for another wonderful meal! This evening, a succulent selection of carefully prepared Chinese food is scenting our kitchen. I love it when Ron orders take-out. Happy Googling!
PS: Now that I’ll have my own Internet blog, I’ll need to focus on glamor! “Ready for my close-up, C.B.!”

Ready for my close-up, C.B.!

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