Sour Apple Martini: A Kitchen Exposé!

Our investigative news team has blown the lid off the debauched speakeasy promoted as the kitchen headquarters of Nicole Parton’s Favorite Recipes. Presented as the alleged site of “recipe testing and blogging” (nudge-nudge, wink-wink), the kitchen’s true behind-the-scenes activities emerged last night, as our hidden cameras recorded the now-disgraced Nicole Parton guzzling vodka martinis before a sink full of dirty dishes. Our cameras also caught her putative spouse, Ronald E. Fisher, jiggling a martini shaker to the tune of “La Cucaracha” as Parton - swinging her all-too-ample hips - attempted to warble along.

Fearing for their safety, these concerned citizens were forced to don disguises as they told our news team of their suspicion that Mr. Fisher’s choice of song was a direct comment on Ms. Parton’s less-than-adequate housekeeping skills.

Living in fear: A courageous couple speaks out

Caught on film urging his wife to “Drink up!” Fisher denied the relevance of the popular Mexican song, pleading that his first choice had been to sing “Shake, Rattle, and Roll.” He was forced, he said, to “change his tune” when a tipsy Parton objected to the lyric “Get out in that kitchen and rattle those pots and pans.”

Confronted with the evidence of a sink full of dirty dishes, Fisher initially agreed to blow the whistle on Parton’s poor cleaning skills, but claimed he had selected the song “on a whim.” Asked to comment on the relevance of her rendition of “La Cucaracha,” Parton hiccuped: “Wazza question again?” Parton insisted she knew how to hold her liquor. As proof, she clutched a vodka bottle to her prodigious chest.

When our news team told Fisher that his spouse was bound for the Big House if she didn’t come clean, Fisher said he would divulge his secret martini recipe to the world if Parton stopped her off-key singing. She did not. He did, anyway. 

Sour Apple Martini: A Kitchen Exposé!

Ice - plenty of it

2 parts vodka

2 parts Rose’s Sour Apple Mix

1 part orange liqueur such as Grand Marnier or Cointreau (see Note)

For each martini, chill glass in freezer. Add ingredients to martini shaker. Vigorously vibrate shaker to the tune of “La Cucaracha” and float a thin slice of lime on top. Oh, yes ... Bail wife out of jail.

Note: Nicole prefers only a few drops of this liqueur.