Kenneth’s Slam-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am Blackberry Pie

Back by popular demand (my own) ... With the Barbie movie in theaters today ... And blackberries due soon ... Let’s have a little fun with Ken ... I first published this in 2011.

The July 20, 2023 issue of Time Magazine gives this update: “Ken and Barbie met in 1961 while filming their first commercial together, according to Mattel. It was love at first sight and the two, who both hail from the (fictional) town of Willows, Wisconsin, started going steady. But, in the 2000’s, things got a little more complicated for the couple ...” 

After 40 years of dating, Barbie broke up with the 12-inch Ken on Valentine's Day in 2004. Let me take a moment to fibe a tissue ab bow by nobe. Ib’s so sad ...

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YO! GUYS! Come and sit across from me, here at the kitchen table. Coffee? Splash of cream? Sugar? We need to talk. Bare your souls to me, Dollinks (Gasp! I said your souls! Nothing else). Does your back go out more than you do? Do you spend Saturday nights alone, playing tic-tac-toe with the mirror? Do you send yourself text messages and emails? Even worse - do you answer them? If so, allow me these words of advice. 

Learn to bake. Women will compete for your cupcakes! They’ll go ga-ga over your cookies! And yes, they’ll also enjoy your baking. Why spend another Saturday night waxing your chest hair and clipping your toenails when you could be the life of the party? Everyone loves a baker! 

Let me tell you the true, tragic story of a Formerly Lonely Guy named Kenneth. Kenneth isn’t his real name. I’ve changed his real name to protect his privacy. His real name has only three letters. The first starts with K, and the last ends with N. Wild horses will not drag his true identity from me! We are tight-lipped, here in the kitchen headquarters of Nicole Parton’s Favorite Recipes. If you could taste some of my cooking failures, you’d understand why.

But I digress. I was telling you the true, tragic story of a Formerly Lonely Guy named Ken - er, Kenneth! Our candid camera caught him on the way to yet another vacuous, empty dinner date with an obviously unsuitable blond who’s only interested in sex - not in a real relationship with the sensitive, sincere man Kenneth is inside. Men: Don’t let this happen to you!

See the miserable look on Kenneth’s face? See those chest hairs? You’re right - he has none. His toenails are neatly trimmed, too. Quel fromage! (Or is it quel dommage? Whatever!) 

Kenneth used to be One Lonely Guy. How did he change his life? He began baking - slowly at first, a few donut holes here and there. Gradually, as his confidence grew, he began to understand that “Nothin’ spells lovin’ like somethin’ from the oven and Pillsbury does it best!” He learned to smash those danged Pillsbury biscuit cans against the kitchen counter, so he could watch the doughy buns unfurl as they all spilled out. Today, he’s a master chef - no more big-breasted, small-waisted blonds for this guy! Kenneth knows the secret of What Women Want!

Simply put, women want a man who will cook for them. And so I present Kenneth’s Slam-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am Blackberry Pie! Because he learned to bake, Kenneth now has a real girlfriend who loves him for himself - not just for what he can do with a rolling pin. 

Kenneth’s Slam-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am Blackberry Pie:

For the Crust, use the usual pie crust ingredients! (See Note)

Note: Kenneth pinched his recipe from the good folks at Tenderflake, a division of Maple Leaf Foods. That’s lard, Dollinks: L-A-R-D. Kenneth doesn’t have arteriosclerosis, and nor will you, if you have treats like this in moderation. Lard makes the best pastry, though you can also use Crisco. You’ll find both recipes online, or varieties of same in many cookbooks. Be sure to make plenty, because Kenneth’s pie is rather large.

For the Filling:

1-⅓ c. (330 mL) sugar

¼ c. (60 mL) tapioca

2 tbsp. (10 mL) flour

½ tsp. (2.5 mL) ground cinnamon

6 c. (1.2 L) fresh blackberries

1 tsp. (5 mL) lemon juice

Egg yolk, milk, for brushing pastry top

Preheat oven to 425 deg, F. Combine sugar, tapioca, flour, and cinnamon in a small bowl. Sprinkle blackberries with lemon juice, tossing lightly. Add dry ingredients, continuing to toss lightly until well mixed. Gently transfer to 10-inch pie dish lined with pastry. Roll out additional pastry to make top crust. Gently place over berries, trimming edges to fit. 

(Kenneth likes to flute the edges with his tiny little hands. Because his pants were falling down in both photos, he borrowed an elastic band to secure them. Ron says guys’ pants always fall down when they stand near a beautiful lady. Having just given myself a home perm, I wouldn't know. I look like Diana Ross on a bad hair day.)

Make several small slashes in top crust, allowing steam to escape. If desired, you can trim some of the leftover rolled-out pastry to form leaves and vines, laying these over the top crust (Kenneth doesn’t bother. He’s always anxious to get his pie in the oven). 

Brush or dab top crust lightly with egg yolk combined and thinned with a little milk. Bake pie 10 min. Immediately reduce oven heat to 400 deg. F., baking an additional 45 min. When pie browns around the edges, place strips of aluminum foil over the browned parts to prevent them from burning as the center of the pie becomes a pleasing golden brown. Serve chilled, so each slice cuts evenly and looks attractive on the plate.

Nicole’s Crab Cakes

These luscious crab cakes use imitation crab - far less expensive than the “real thing,” yet tasty, very similar, and far easier to use - no shelling and annoying bits of shell. 

While it’s easy enough to slice artificial crab, the mini-prep version of a food processor takes literally seconds to do the job. Be sure to add the crab (or whatever you put in a mini-prep) in small batches, power-pulsing the machine (on/off ... on/off ... on/off) to slice the crab exactly right. Quicker and easier to clean than the larger appliance, mini-preps also need far less storage space.

Nicole’s Crab Cakes: 

8 oz. (227 g) artificial crab meat

1 egg, lightly beaten

½ c. (125 mL) fine bread crumbs (See Bread Crumb Note)

2 tbsp. (60 mL) mayonnaise 

1-1/2 tsp. (7.5 mL) Old Bay seasoning … or to taste (See Old Bay Seasoning Note)

1-1/2 tsp. (7.5 mL) lemon juice

3/4 tsp. (3.75 mL) onion powder 

¼ tsp. (1.25 mL) lemon pepper 

Pinch dried dill weed

Minced green onion (optional)

2-to-3 tbsp. (30-to-45 mL) canola oil

Additional lemon juice, for sprinkling over crab cakes

Tartar Sauce on the side, if desired 

To large bowl, add crab, egg, bread crumbs, mayonnaise, Old Bay seasoning, lemon juice, onion powder. and pepper. Mix with hands until ingredients bind. Form into six crab cakes.

In large skillet, heat oil over medium to medium-high heat. Add and cook crab cakes until they are browned, about 5 min. per side. These patties are delicate: Turn over carefully, using two metal spatulas. Serve with a squeeze of fresh lemon and/or Tartar Sauce. This recipe makes six delicious crab cakes.

I served these Crab Cakes with cooked 

kale ... Remove centre stems, steaming

kale 5-to-7 min.

Flip these delicate cakes 

with two spatulas.

Bread Crumb Note: While excellent for other uses, don’t use Panko crumbs in this recipe. What you want are fine, dry bread crumbs to bind these ingredients. You’ll find them in the bread section of your local supermarket, though it’s easy to make your own. 

Using stale bread or bread oven-dried at low heat, lay piece-by-piece on baking sheet for about 30 min. Place dried slices in a sealed plastic bag, crush with meat mallet’s flat side or rolling pin, or in a food processor. A mini-prep is too small for this job.

Old Bay Seasoning Note: Don’t - I repeat, don’t - omit the Old Bay seasoning. When I did, my crab cakes didn’t taste “crabby” enough. Try this, if you must: For each tsp. (5 mL) of Old Bay Seasoning, substitute a mixture of 1/4 tsp. (2.5 mL) 

For even simpler crab cakes, try Hezzah’s Crab Cakes with Stir-Fried Vegetables and Rice.

Linguine with Meatballs and Tomato Sauce

It’s scorching hot in the Time Zone and at the Latitude Where I Live. Who wants to cook? I sure don’t. I cobbled this meal together in about 20 min. Look at this photo! Does this meal look difficult? That’s because it’s not. 

Linguine with Meatballs and Tomato Sauce.

Here’s how: 

Step 1: Take as many commercially made, frozen meatballs as required, placing them on a parchment-covered oven-proof sheet or tray at 350 deg. F in toaster oven or full oven. Bake 20 min., turning once.  

Step 2: As meatballs cook, add required amount of linguine to a large pot of well salted, boiling water, stirring occasionally so  linguine doesn’t stick. Test after 15 min., testing until al dente - literal meaning, “to the tooth,” or slightly firm when bitten. When pasta’s cooked to your liking, drain and rinse in hot water.  

Step 3: Open, heat, and pour one of the many varieties of delicious pasta sauce available on your grocer’s shelves. 

Step 4: Shake on a little Parmesan (shredded or powdered ... equally good) et voilà! That’s all there is to it. For some color and a dash of nutrition, cook a little kale or spinach to go with this. Each is quick and easy to cook. 

A homemade salad would be nice ... Dream on! Who wants extra work on a hot day such as this?