Dishwasher-Poached Salmon

Even though this recipe is easy and delicious and a novelty that comes highly acclaimed, don’t even think about poaching salmon or any other fish this way - especially if you live in drought-ravaged California, Arizona, Australia, or any other place where water is scarce. 

But you, lucky duck! You with the teensy dishwasher perched on the kitchen countertop! Yeah, you! You who have lusted after one of those deluxe dishwashers, all of them ultra-silent with full-load-capacity, energy-saving features, stainless-steel interiors, and la-de-dah, built-in, under-the-counter features!

Fuggedaboudit.

Even if your teensy Toys R Us dishwasher grinds more than a Vegas stripper, be happy with what you have, for only you can make this perfectly idiotic recipe with aplomb.*

But I digress.

Although yours may be an embarrassingly teensy dishwasher, resist the urge to show it to us lest you end up in the slammer. Small as your dishwasher is, you can still have a lot of fun with it. This moronic recipe will allow you the bragging rights to Dishwasher Poached Salmon. If you’d rather not poach this fish, I suggest you pay for it.

This recipe’s stupid instructions use a ridiculous amount of water, which is why Californians et al. shouldn’t even try to prepare it. See Compensation For Your Lost Bragging Rights Note. So here’s the imbecilic, doltish, environmentally irresponsible but otherwise tasty recipe for …

Dishwasher-Poached Salmon:

One whole, fresh salmon, about 2 lb. (1 kg), head-on, gutted, boned, and scaled (see Ewwwww! Note)

Salt, pepper, dill, parsley, to taste

1 medium carrot, sliced in rounds

1 medium onion, diced

2 tbsp. (30 mL) diced celery

Juice of one lemon

2 c. (500 mL) dry white wine, divided (see Sobriety Note)

Sour cream, Hollandaise Sauce, or aplomb,* on the side

Run teensy dishwasher (with no soap or dishes) on wash cycle to eliminate soapy residue. While machine runs (for its life), place salmon or similarly proportioned fish (not gefilte) onto double layer of heavy-duty foil large enough to over-wrap fish. Season cavity with salt, pepper, dill, and parsley. Spread combined carrot, onion, and celery in cavity. Sprinkle with lemon juice and 1 c. (250 mL) of the wine. 

Double-wrap fish in foil, leaving small airspace so fish will steam in hot liquid. Double-fold foil to ensure water-tight seal. 

When dishwasher completes wash cycle, carefully place foil-wrapped fish on top shelf (or, with teensy machines, on any shelf), positioning to avoid tearing foil. Run dishwasher for two further wash cycles - no drying, Dollinks. Fish is done when flesh flakes with a fork and juices run milky. Serves 4.

Compensation For Your Lost Bragging Rights Note: Strap a chunk of beef to your carbuncle (or whatever the hot part of your engine is called), drive to Colorado and back, and invite the neighbors for roast beef dinner. (If you actually live in Colorado, drive to San Francisco and back). Yum, yum! Pass the horseradish, honey!

Ewwwww! Note: I lost you at “gutted?” Honestly, Dollinks, it’s for the best.

Sobriety Note: Drink half the wine. Use the rest in this recipe.

* Aplomb is a costly British seafood sauce enjoyed by the Royal Family and Donald J. Trump.