Sweet Onion Pie

Food confuses me. Until a few weeks ago, I assumed “pilates” was a Greek appetizer. Wrong-o. I also used to think “Sherbet” was a tip on a hot stock. It isn’t.

The food Costco sells confuses me even more. Costco is the world’s third largest retailer, yet still manages to convey the impression that it’s the county fair of food retailing. The demonstrators who hand out free samples are a big part of that mystique. Trained to remain calm under pressure, they never snap, as I would: “The pizza will be ready in five minutes. Don’t push, sir. SIR!!! Don’t push. 

“Ma’am? Could you please remove your son’s nose from the hot glass of my toaster oven? The pizza will be ready in four minutes. 

“Sir? Yes, you, bozo! Please don’t drool on my demo table. The pizza will be ready in three minutes…” 

Costco recently sold my sister a machine called - (I don’t want to be sued! Let’s reword this!). Costco recently sold my sister a no-name machine (nudge-nudge, wink-wink) that buzzes up fruit to make smoothies so dis-gus-ting (not the machine’s fault; my sister doesn’t know how to cook) that my sister never eats the purées she produces, instead turning them into fruit-based facials to eliminate wrinkles. She now needs another machine to eliminate fruit flies.

One chilly winter’s day, my pal Leslie and I took refuge in Costco. We made the mistake of shopping on a weekend lunch hour (Translation: Costco had free food up the ying-yang. I think Costco sells Ying-Yangs in a handy pack of 10 dozen, not far from the Doritos). Ravenous, we descended on the demonstrators’ samples like seagulls on a sandwich. 

After stuffing our maws with every morsel we could, Leslie and I  covered our heads with winter scarves, faked Russian accents («Что эта очень вкусный еда? Я должен пробовать его!»), and circled the store a second time to eat still more free food before spending $2,042.69 on groceries (or maybe $204 … decimal points also confuse me).

Leslie and I had sampled something like $1.41 worth of free food in tiny paper muffin cups. Any behavioral psychologist worth his Tostitos will name free food as the No. 1 factor guaranteed to drive crazed shoppers into a food-buying frenzy. 

I once heard an elderly man ask a Costco butcher how much salt was in Costco’s scrumptious roast chickens. “Salt? There isn’t any salt!” came the butcher’s assuring words. As the customer happily placed a chicken in his cart, the butcher added sotto voce: “They’ve been brined, is all.” The old guy froze, thought for a moment, and then shrugged. “Well, that’s okay, then.” I now rate Costco’s food super-confusing. 

What does this have to do with Sweet Onion Pie? I happen to know that Cougars hang out at Costco, where you least expect to find them. Oh, I’ve seen them in their push-up bras, false eyelashes, hair extensions, and kitten heels, trolling for younger men.

When they find an unsuspecting victim with no wedding ring and a $9.99 frozen pizza the size of a truck tire under his arm, the Cougar will “innocently” block his path, asking in a pained, weak voice: “I can’t lift this 50-lb. sack of onions. Can you help me?” 

The moment he does, he’s trapped. Ramping her push-up bra a tetch higher, the spider says to the fly: “Even though I’m single, I’m making Sweet Onion Pie tonight. Why don’t I just be very forward and ask you to dinner at my house as a way of expressing my thanks?” 

Mesmerized by her, um, conversation, the guy ditches the pizza and agrees to be there at 8. This isn’t confusing, at all. Ladies! If you’re single, you must shop at Costco! And learn to make this delicious main-dish pie that I’ve adapted from The Joy of Cooking.

Sweet Onion Pie:

Pastry to make one 9-inch pie (see Note)

3 tbsp. (45 mL) butter or margarine

2-1/2 lb. (1.13 kg) sweet onions, thinly sliced

3 whole eggs

1 c. (250 mL) dairy sour cream

1 tsp. (5 mL) salt, or to taste

1/4 tsp. (1.2 mL) freshly ground black pepper

1 tbsp. (15 mL) finely chopped fresh parsley and/or 1 tsp. celery seed

1 egg white, slightly beaten

3 or 4 crumbled, cooked sausages, drained and blotted of fat

Preheat oven to 450 deg. F. Line a 9-in. pie pan with pastry. Trim and flute pastry edges; prick base with fork tines. Transfer pastry-filled pan to freezer for 10 min. On a circle of parchment trimmed slightly smaller than the interior of the pie shell, place enough pie weights to keep the pastry from bubbling and breaking. Bake unfilled shell 10-to-12 min., until slightly browned. Cool shell thoroughly on wire rack. Do not turn off oven.

Melt butter or margarine in large, heavy saucepan. Add onions, stirring over low heat until translucent. Cover pot, sweating onions over lowest heat until cooked through. Set aside until thoroughly cooled. In a medium bowl, combine whole eggs, sour cream, and seasonings. Stir into cooled, cooked onions, combining well. Set aside.

Brush slightly beaten egg white over baked, cooled pie shell. Heap slightly cooled onion mixture into partially baked pie shell. Crumble cooked sausage over onion mixture in shell. Bake 10 min. at 450 deg. F. Reduce heat to 300 deg. F., cooking an additional 25-to-30 min., until crust is golden. Serve hot. Makes 4-to-6 servings.

Note: The Index to this blog has several excellent recipes for pie pastry filed under Pies: Pastry.

Cream of Cauliflower Soup with Goat Cheese

Ready for a delicious and wildly simple recipe for a cauliflower soup? This tastes like “more” - because that’s what you’ll want when you try it. You’ll love this velvety soup and its gluten-free thickener!

Cream of Cauliflower Soup with Goat Cheese:

1 tbsp. (15 mL) butter or margarine

2 leeks, white part only, sliced thinly (See Note)

1 medium onion, coarsely chopped

2 stalks celery, diced

2 c. (500 mL) chicken stock (See Another Note) 

4 c. (1 L) water

1 large cauliflower, sliced as flowerets, small stems remaining

1/4 c. (60 mL) uncooked white rice (no substitutions)

1 large bay leaf

3/4-to-1 c. (180-to-250 mL) crumbled goat cheese

Ssalt and freshly ground pepper, to taste

Flurry of fresh parsley, finely chopped, as garnish (optional)

In large pot, melt butter or margarine over low heat. Add leeks, onion, and celery; cover 5 min. to “sweat,” stirring occasionally. Add stock, water, cauliflower, rice, and bay leaf. Bring to boil and immediately reduce heat. Cover and simmer 20 min., until rice is cooked and vegetables are soft. 

Cool almost to room temperature. Remove bay leaf. Add to blender goblet 2 c. (500 mL) at a time, blending on “high” until mixture is smooth and creamy. Wipe pot to remove any remaining solids such as bits of leek. Return soup to pot on medium heat. Stir in crumbled goat cheese. Season to taste. Garnish with parsley. Serves 6.   

Note: Leeks are expensive. Instead, I use sliced, dried leek stems, available in Persian food stores and in the ethnic foods section of discerning grocery stores. The taste is indistinguishable from the flavor of fresh leeks, at a fraction the price.

Another Note: If you’re keen to make your own, see How to Make Poultry Stock.

Fancy-Schmancy Note: For an upscale version of this soup, try Crème du Barry: Cream of Cauliflower Soup.

The Butchart Gardens’ Ginger Scones

Picture this: It’s bedtime in the Time Zone and at the Latitude Where I Live (“Nicole! Come to bed! It’s bedtime in the Time Zone and at the Latitude Where We Live!”). Ron will just have to wait! I don’t check this blog’s mail very often these days, because I’m not blogging recipes at the moment, but I happened to check it late this evening. Zounds! 

A very kind reader has searched out the Ginger Scones recipe she and I were both looking for in November, 2012. This recipe comes to you courtesy of the world-famous Butchart Gardens in Victoria, British Columbia. I was so excited to see it that I yelled “Stop the presses!” even though they weren’t actually running. 

I’m sorry I can’t give this lovely lady the proper thank you she deserves, but she didn’t leave her name in the note she sent me just moments before I logged on. So here’s the scoop: I’m giving you the web link she gave me. The recipe’s right near the bottom, but first, you may want to pore through page after page of sumptuous photos of the (once again) world-famous Butchart Gardens.

http://teaandscandal.com/2013/09/02/the-butchart-gardens-summer-afternoon-tea/ 

The photos are almost as delicious as the recipe! Thank you, madam! I’m grateful not just for the photos; not just for the recipe; but for being able to use the words “stop the presses!” and “scoop” in this blog. I’ve always wanted to say that, and you gave me the opportunity.

“Nicole! Come to bed!” Yes, I will ... Ginger scones in the morning?

Dinner Party Series: Meringue for Pies

The scene: A small, intimate dinner party. Dessert: No-Crust Lemon Meringue Pie. The recipe? None. The secret? A commercially made lemon filling mix. No one knew the difference and everyone offered accolades. 

Pour the hot, cooked mix into six 1/2 c.-sized ramekins. The Meringue recipe? Easy!

Meringue for Pies:

3 egg whites, chilled and beaten to form soft peaks 

2/3 c. (160 mL) granulated sugar

Gradually beat in sugar until Meringue stands in stiff peaks and no grainy feeling remains when mixture is rubbed between thumb and forefinger. Heap Meringue high over the hot lemon mixture (if it’s hot, the Meringue won’t shrink). Bake at 425 deg. F. for 3-5 min. or until Meringue is lightly browned. This makes enough Meringue for 4-to-6 ramekins or an 8-in. pie. 

Haven’t I always told you that presentation fools the taste buds? If this persuades you to give a Dinner Party, go ahead and use a mix - and don’t feel guilty!

Note: Make and consume Meringue-Topped Pies on the same day. If you don’t, the Meringue will be rubbery and tasteless.

Grease Remover

My oven caught fire the other day, thanks to the thick coat of grease pooled at the bottom. Ron to the rescue! He found this recipe goodness-knows-where and (miracle of miracles!) it actually did what it promised, which was to degrease the interior of my oven. Here’s what did the trick!

Grease Remover:

1/4 c. (60 mL) liquid dishwashing detergent (the kind you use in the sink)

1/2 c. (125 mL) lemon juice (the bottled type ... why waste lemons?)

1 c. (250 mL) white vinegar

1-1/4 c. (310 mL) cold water

Combine in plastic spray bottle. Spritz over oven’s bottom, walls, and oven door glass. 

In the morning ... Voilà! A grease-free oven! Using a metal spatula as a scraper, pile the remaining gunk from the bottom of your oven onto paper towels and discard. Accept that you’ve won the prize for the neighborhood’s dirtiest oven and don’t let it ruin your life. 

Put the oven on its self-cleaning cycle, regardless. With 95% of the grease and gunk gone, you won’t need to wear a gas mask as your oven transforms the residue of gunk into a fine white powder.

Happy Holidays, 2014

Although I’m still not blogging recipes, I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to say I hope you had a blessed Hanukkah; to wish you a very happy Christmas; and to wish you a fine new year. Our holiday table will always have space for you!

Ron and I have just returned from Washington State: There, we saw our dear friend Darryl, who has contributed to this blog before. Darryl gave us our holiday gifts - Italian seasoning salt for me and a pirate’s “piece of eight” for Ron that Darryl found on eBay. 

So this was the series of thank you notes I penned the next day: 

Darryl:

The seasoning salt is delicious! I used it to flavor chicken soup. Ron is so excited about his “piece of eight” that he plans to buy the other seven pieces on ebay. He wants to take out a mortgage to do this. You have ruined our lives.

Love, Nicole 

8:00 am

Dear Darryl:

Ron woke up with pink eye and I am seeing red. He’s made himself a black leather eye patch, and says he’ll wear it forever. I blame you. 

Love, Nicole

9:00 am

Dear Darryl:

Ever since you gave Ron that wretched piece of eight, he’s been telling me to “Avast, Matey!” The dictionary says this means “Stop, young man!” I think Ron is bisexual. This is all your fault.

Love, Nicole 

10 am

Dear Darryl:

Ron has started to wear one of my gold hoop earrings. He says he wants to grow his hair into a ponytail tied back with a ribbon. I don’t think he’s bisexual, anymore. I think he’s gay. Because of you, I am broken-hearted.

Love, Nicole

11 am 

Dear Darryl:

You know the phrase “I’d cut off my right arm for a friend”? Ron thinks so highly of you - especially since you gave him that #$@! piece of eight - that he wants to cut off his right leg. I told him that if he does that, he won’t have a peg leg to stand on when I divorce him. You did this.

Love, Nicole

12 pm

Dear Darryl:

Ron has bought himself a parrot. It’s sitting on his shoulder as we speak. I’m an animal lover, but the thing poops all over the kitchen floor. There are feathers that have never met a chicken in my chicken soup. By giving Ron that damned piece of eight, you encouraged him to do this. You are my sworn enemy.

Love and curses, Nicole

1 pm 

Dear Darryl:

Problem solved! I used the piece of eight to buy a plank at Lowe’s. I made Ron and his bleeping bird walk it. Hey, big guy! Want to drop over for lunch? I’ve got homemade chicken soup! All I need to do is strain out a few feathers.

Love, Nicole

Enjoy the rest of the holiday season, readers!  xox  Nicole

Zucchini Loaf. Or Loaves. Be Warned.

Having been otherwise occupied, I haven’t cooked or baked in months. So it’s fair to say I’m a little rusty. Hmmm … Maybe a whole lot rusty. But this is how one learns new skills, Dollinks! What I learned was to let my Significant Other get out in that kitchen and rattle those pots and pans. I’d even settle for an Insignificant Other, as long the pots and pans were being rattled - not me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8B7xr_EjbzE 

So this is the mmm-mmm-good Zucchini Loaf I made early this morning, on a rare foray into the kitchen. Doesn’t this loaf look scrumptious? Perhaps not. This is the best loaf I’ve ever made! The worst, you don’t want to see.

As morning crept into the Stainless Steel Kitchens of Nicole Parton’s Favorite Recipes, the day began peacefully enough.  Little did I suspect the horror that lay in wait.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzTQ9fjforY

Zucchini Loaf. Or Loaves. Be Warned. 

3 c. (750 mL) all-purpose flour minus 2 tbsp. (30 mL) 

1 tsp. (5 mL) salt

1 tsp. (5 mL) baking soda

1 tsp. (5 mL) baking powder

1 tbsp. (15 mL) cinnamon

3 eggs

1 c. (250 mL) canola oil

2-1/4 c. (560 mL) granulated sugar

2-to-3 tsp. (10-to-15 mL) vanilla extract

1 medium zucchini, peeled, grated, and loosely packed to equal 2 c. (500 mL)

1 c. (250 mL) coarsely chopped walnuts, toasted (see Note)

Preheat oven to 325 deg. F. Line bottom of greased 9 x 5-in. (23 x 13 cm) loaf pan with parchment paper (See Scary Foreboding Note) and set aside.

Combine flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, and cinnamon in medium bowl. In large bowl, beat eggs, oil, sugar, and vanilla at high speed, using electric mixer. Gradually add dry ingredients to creamed mixture, beating well at low speed. Combine remaining 2 tbsp. (30 mL) flour with grated zucchini. Hand-stir zucchini-flour mixture into batter. Add nuts, combining well. Pour batter into prepared loaf pan. 

Note: For more zucchini recipes, see One Click: Zucchini.

It all started with one medium zucchini.

Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, yada-yada-yada.

Grate zucchini. After which everything went sideways.

My baked loaf sagged in the center ...

Spilled over the sides of the pan ...

Was misshapen. 

Was moist in the middle. Too moist.

Bake 1-1/4 hr., or until skewer inserted at center of loaf comes out clean. Loaf will resemble a Shar Pei. Carry on and keep calm. Swig scotch, if you must. Resist urge to commit hari-kari with bread knife. Cool loaf pan on wire rack for 20 min. Turn loaf from pan to cool completely. Yields one. Consider yourself warned.

Note: See Index for How to Toast Nuts and Seeds. Toasting the nuts in this recipe makes a huge difference to its taste. When taste is all this loaf has going for it, you’ll want to be sure to toast your nuts. That advice applies to women, too.

Scary Foreboding Note: The original recipe called for two 8 x 4-in. loaf pans. If you have loaf pans in this size, divide batter between them, baking 40-to-60 min. and everyone will live happily ever after. If you have only a standard 9 x 5-in. loaf pan, fill it 2/3 full (not almost to the top, as I did), using remaining batter to make muffins. Otherwise, use all the batter to make Zucchini Muffins, baking 20 min. This should yield about 2-1/2 doz. muffins. 

Ron’s Five-Spice Chinese Braised Duck

The photos say it all ... You’ll most certainly want to make this recipe as soon as you finish reading the recipe! Ron slightly modified this dish from one titled Oil-Braised Duck (The Encyclopedia of Asian Cooking, Octopus Books Limited, London, 1980). Although time-consuming, this delicious duck and its wonderful sauce are surprisingly easy to prepare.  

Ron’s Five-Spice Chinese Braised Duck:

One 4-to-4-1/2 lb. (1.75-to-2 kg) duckling, cleaned and plucked
1/4 c. (60 mL) orange juice
2 tbsp. (30 mL) granulated sugar
1/4 c. (60 mL) soy sauce
4 tsp. (20 mL) salt
1/4 c. (60 mL) dry sherry
1 tbsp. (15 mL) white vinegar
1/2 tsp. (2.5 mL) five-spice powder
1 slice fresh ginger root, peeled, about 3 x 1/2 in. (7.6 x 1.2 cm)
2-1/2 c. chicken stock (625 mL)
A few tbsp. cornstarch, as required, to thicken cooking liquid
Approximately 5 c. (1.25 L) peanut oil for deep-fat frying
1 large orange, unpeeled, halved and sliced, as garnish
Parsley bunches, as garnish (optional)

Read recipe carefully and have all ingredients assembled before you begin. In a large pot over high heat, plunge duckling into enough boiling water to cover. Boil 4 min. Drain. 

After boiling away fat, transfer duckling to clean pot.

Transfer duckling to clean pot, adding all remaining ingredients except cornstarch, oil, and garnishes. Bring just to a boil before lowering heat. 

Cover and simmer 45 min., turning duckling at least twice during cooking. Remove duckling from pot, draining and drying very thoroughly. Cooking liquid is the basis of the sauce for the duckling: Treat it with loving care. Over low heat, simmer liquid, uncovered, to reduce and thicken it. 

Simmer cooking liquid to reduce and thicken it.

Over medium-high stove setting, heat oil in wok to a depth of about 4 in. (10 mL) (see Note). Carefully and securely lower duckling into oil (Ron uses a meat fork to do this). 

Carefully and securely lower duckling into oil.

Oil will bubble around lower half of duckling and inside cavity. 

Oil will bubble inside and outside duckling.

Also carefully and securely, turn duckling over to brown on all sides. This will take about 5 min.

Turn duckling.

Turn again, until duckling is entirely browned.

When duckling is crisp and golden, remove from hot oil. 

Remove from hot oil; drain well.

Transfer wok or deep-fat fryer to a safe, stable spot away from pets and children’s reach. Let oil cool for later safe disposal or straining and recycling. 

Return duckling to simmering sauce, turning several times to coat. 

Sauce will reduce and thicken. For further

thickening, add cornstarch.

If sauce appears too thin, decant about 1/4 c. (60 mL) to small bowl, cooling before stirring in cornstarch, as needed. Return cooled liquid to simmering sauce, blending in well until sauce thickens as desired.

Remove coated duckling from sauce. Transfer to chopping block, sectioning into small pieces with cleaver or heavy knife. 

Ron sections duckling into small pieces.

Heap chopped duckling onto serving platter.

Onto the platter goes the duckling!

Pour hot sauce over duckling. 

Onto the duckling goes the sauce!

Garnish with orange slices and parsley. Serve at once. 

Garnished duckling.

This dish is extremely rich. Ron recommends you keep your servings small. Serves 8-to-10 as main course.   

Note: Home-use deep-fat fryers are safer than oil-filled woks, but produce less satisfactory results. The maximum temperature of the oil in a deep-fat fryer is often lower than the temperature of the oil in a wok on the stove’s highest setting. The duckling may also not fit into a home-use deep-fat fryer. Use extreme caution when deep-fat frying. Allow enough room for the oil’s displacement as you lower the duckling into the wok or deep-fat fryer. 

Curried Cod with Potato Stacks

The first time I made this outstanding recipe, everything slid onto the floor as I transferred the stacks of vegetables and fish from the skillet to the serving dishes. A lesson learned: If you want the great presentation this recipe deserves, buy a set of baking rings to hold everything together.

I last used these rings for another excellent dish: Crab and Fennel Potato Towers. My baking rings are 3-½ in. (9 cm) wide and 1 in. (2.54 cm) high. They turn a good recipe like this into a great one!

Because a relatively large proportion of this recipe uses vegetables, this is an economical dish to make. The chunk of cod I bought for slightly more than $2 serves four or five adult diners - a genuine bargain! With taste, economy, and speed of preparation in mind, this recipe is a keeper! Served with a first-course salad, it’s also a complete and fully satisfying meal.  

Curried Cod with Potato Stacks: 

1/4 c. (60 mL) butter or margarine, melted
1 tsp. (5 mL) curry powder
1 tbsp. (15 mL) fresh lemon juice
One 11 oz. (312 g) cod, basa, snapper, barramundi or similar white fish, cut into 4 or 5 fillets
1 large red-skinned potato, skin left on and sliced thin
1 medium onion, sliced thin
1 carrot, scraped but not peeled, angle-sliced
2 tbsp. (30 mL) red bell pepper (“capsicum”), diced
2 tbsp. (30 mL) yellow bell pepper (“capsicum”), diced
Dash salt and freshly ground pepper
1-1/2 c. (375 mL) chicken, fish, or vegetable stock
2 tbsp. (10 mL) frozen peas, thawed

Combine butter, curry powder, and lemon juice in shallow plate or dish. Add fish, turning to coat both sides. Set aside in refrigerator. 

Turn to coat second side; refrigerate.

Place four or five baking rings in large skillet (see Note). Into each, stack potatoes, onions, carrots, bell peppers, and seasoning. Add stock. Over medium-high heat, bring just to the boil. Cover skillet, reducing heat to medium-low. Simmer 10 min., until potatoes are tender-firm but not cooked through. 

Stack vegetables in rings; add stock to skillet.

Simmer 10 min., until potato slices are tender-firm.

Top each stack with chunk of lightly curried fish, adding buttery marinade to stock. Re-cover skillet: Simmer a further 5 min., allowing fish to steam. 

Top potato stacks with fish; add marinade to stock in skillet.

Sprinkle peas inside baking rings, over and around fish. Re-cover skillet, heating peas through 1-to-2 min. Slip a wide spatula under baking rings, transferring potato-fish stacks to serving plates or bowls.  Remove baking rings.

Re-covering skillet just until peas heat through. 

Decant simmering stock from skillet to small jug. Pour hot stock over and around each potato-fish stack immediately before serving. 

Note: The inside diameter of your skillet determines how much stock to use. I used a large skillet with an inside diameter of 9-1/2 in. (24 cm).My skillet has sloping sides, so its outside diameter is about 2 in. (29 cm) greater. 

Pour lightly curried stock over and around fish. 

Dinner Party Series: An Elegant High Tea

While this isn’t a “Dinner Party” per se, it falls under the indexed series of the same name that refers to home entertaining.

When I recently gave an English tea party for a dozen female friends, we began the afternoon with dry sherry, moved on to Cream Scones, enjoyed a selection of dainty sandwiches, and finished with freshly made pastries from the bakery across the street from my house.

Alas! Tea sandwiches become soggy if they’re made too soon, so I prepared them shortly before our guests arrived, and didn’t have time to take even one photo before and during the party. I’m sorry about that, so you’ll have to imagine the table, set in white and cream, with silver candlesticks. It was lovely - but more importantly, it was fun! 

Should you ever give a high tea (or another high tea, if you’ve already had one or more), I have some suggestions, below. As regular readers will know from the irreverent nature of this blog, fun is important to me. Whether in cooking or in life, spontaneous laughter makes us happy and keeps us feeling young. 

I once gave a Dinosaur Tea (as in T-Rex). My reasoning for this was that “Only dinosaurs serve high tea!” The invitations and other little touches (including tiny plastic dinosaurs that served as place cards) used a dinosaur theme. However, I’ve also attended the stiff-upper-lip type of tea. Each was equally enjoyable.

I once had high tea at Claridge’s in London, only to learn that the Queen Mother had left five minutes before my arrival. Perhaps she couldn’t wait ...? 

High tea served at home has its limitations. With many last-minute things to do before the tea I hosted a few days ago, serving warm Cream Scones was too much for me, though no one seemed to mind that the scones were at room temperature. These scones are so good that you don’t need an excuse to make them. 

If you do give a fancy afternoon tea for a group, these at-home tips work for me:

• Write the name of each guest on a paper doily on the saucer immediately under his or her teacup. No more mix-ups and lost tea cups!

• Brew a large urn of black tea, making sure you remove the tea bags once the tea reaches its desired strength. Refilling a teapot from an urn is much faster than trying to brew tea pot-by-pot. Ensure you also have a kettle of boiling water ready to be decanted into a fancy teapot, so guests can brew their choice of herbal teas, as well. Although most guests want tea at a tea party, some prefer coffee. Prepare a small amount in your coffee maker. 

In summary, you’ll need one attractive coffee pot and two attractive teapots (one containing black tea; the other containing boiling water). I also offer the option of decaf coffee. Because decaf tends to be the last choice guests usually seek at a tea party, I don’t brew a pot of it, instead making it by the cup and by request in a single-serve coffee maker. 

• Use your computer to make several labels to help your guests find what they need. Have your local stationery store laminate and punch a hole in each label, so you can keep them from party-to-party, tied to your teapots and coffee pot with dainty little ribbons. Mine read “Boiling Water,” “Caffeinated Tea,” “Caffeinated Coffee/Decaf Available on Request.” These labels also work splendidly for buffets. 

• Leave a small dish for guests to drop their herbal tea bags. If you wet and leave a squeezed tea bag in the dish before the party begins, they’ll know what the dish is for. 

• Allow a total of 3 slices of bread per-person, with the slices cut into rounds, triangles, squares, or rolled and later filled. Using both brown and white bread is more interesting than using white bread alone. Be sure to buy long loaves of square-sided sandwich bread, rather than regular bread. Mandatory: Cut the crusts from your bread! Mine are in the freezer as we speak, ready to be turned into next Thanksgiving’s turkey stuffing. 

• At my tea, I had separate plates of sandwiches and pastries labelled “Gluten-Free.” All of this will become second nature as you start to entertain more frequently. 

• What kind of tea sandwiches to serve? Tradition suggests that “ladies” should not be exposed to harsh flavors. Thus, no pickles, olives, smoked or spiced meats. No chutneys, mustard, horseradish, or whole nuts. Prepare your sandwich fillings one day ahead, covering and refrigerating them. So here’s what I made: 

Egg Salad: I added the slightest bit of mustard to the mayonnaise I used to blend the hard-cooked, grated eggs. I also added a touch of fresh parsley, salt, and pepper.
Chopped Ham: I added the slightest bit of sweet relish to the mayo I blended into the ham. 
Chopped Chicken: With mayo as the binder, I added a whisper of flaked, toasted almonds. Dried, sweetened cranberries would have been another good choice.
Cucumber: Who doesn’t love Cucumber Sandwiches? 
Asparagus: Flatten trimmed slices of bread with a rolling pin, spreading lightly with seasoned mayonnaise. Place pre-cooked, well-dried asparagus spears onto bread, and roll up, securing with a toothpick.
Shrimp: Blend baby shrimp with seasoned mayo for a definite treat. I made just a few because of the high cost of shrimp. 
Cherry Cream Cheese: Blending room-temperature cream cheese with maraschino cherry juice and slivered cherries makes a beautiful bite for tea.

Lay each batch of sandwiches you make onto a parchment-lined baking sheet (easier to stack crosswise than plates). Just before serving, transfer a varied and elegant assortment to sandwich trays or platters. Be sure to cover your pre-made sandwiches with a damp, clean tea towel until you’re ready to do that. 

• Allow 2-1/2 pastries per-person. If you’re a masochist, a perfectionist, or a professional baker, make these pastries yourself - but I don’t. Pastry-making is an art. I prefer to buy them.

• Although I used fine china for this tea party, I threw everything into the dishwasher and recommend you do the same. How many times a year do you use this stuff? Exactly the point! Life is too short not to go easy on yourself.