Into the Bag #5: “The Zucchini Loaf Incident”

I’m sobbing uncontrollably as I write this post. I’ve never pretended to be Martha Stewart. If I were Martha Stewart, I’d have a rap sheet and would be old and rich. The old part, I already am, but I digress. 

Most of you readers know I’m not a gourmet cook. I’m … I’m … just a semi-ordinary woman who likes to cook, so how can one reader be so cruel? 

I am, of course, referring to Mrs. Harold Schermerlinger of Philadelphia, who regular readers will recognize as a frequent letter-writer to this blog (actually, the only letter-writer, but who’s counting?). 

I’ve just reached into the mailbag to find yet another letter from Mrs. Harold Schermerlinger, whose words bite harder than Seymour, my last dog, who sank his teeth into my son’s forehead and just sort of dangled there, not wanting to let go. 

Seymour would still be hanging on and my son would be 6 ft. under if I hadn’t distracted him with “Go-o-od boy! Here’s a cookie!” Many bites later, we rewarded him with the “long sleep.” (Seymour. Not my son.)

The last time Mrs. Harold Schermerlinger wrote, she said she and Mr. Harold Schermerlinger were going to sue me. 

Lucky for me, they relented, but this time, Mrs. Harold Schermerlinger (just let me blow my nose) writes: 

“I’ve never read a recipe blog worse than yours! Mr. Harold Schermerlinger is partial to Zucchini Loaf, so I thought I’d follow your stupid recipe using the 5 lb. zucchini an anonymous neighbor dumped outside our front door.  

“Thanks to this #$@! recipe, my Zucchini Loaf looked like Steven Tyler before his facelift. My husband of 44-1/2 years, Mr. Harold Schermerlinger, and our 45-year-old triplets, will forever avoid your blog!”

It’s a good thing - Yours truly, Martha Stewart.